....Have I mentioned the woman who killed her husband with a hatchet? Of another, who caused hers to lose his reason with her potions? And of the Acharnian woman....
FIRST WOMAN
Die, you *****!
MNESILOCHUS
....who buried her father beneath the bath?
FIRST WOMAN
And yet we listen to such things!
MNESILOCHUS
Have I told how you attributed to yourself the male child your slave had just borne and gave her your little daughter?
FIRST WOMAN
This insult calls for vengeance. Look out for your hair!
MNESILOCHUS
By Zeus! don't touch me.
FIRST WOMAN (slapping him)
There!
MNESILOCHUS (hitting back)
There! tit for tat!
FIRST WOMAN
Hold my cloak, Philista!
MNESILOCHUS
Come on then, and by Demeter....
FIRST WOMAN
Well! what?
MNESILOCHUS
I'll make you crap forth the sesame-cake you have eaten.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Stop wrangling! I see a woman running here in hot haste. Keep silent, so that we may hear the better what she has to say.
(Enter CLISTHENES, dressed as a woman.)
CLISTHENES
Friends, whom I copy in all things, my hairless chin sufficiently evidences how dear you are to me; I am women-mad and make myself their champion wherever I am. Just now on the market-place Iheard mention of a thing that is of the greatest importance to you;I come to tell it to you, to let you know it, so that you may watch carefully and be on your guard against the danger which threatens you.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
What is it, my child? I can well call you child, for you have so smooth a skin.
CLISTHENES
They say that Euripides has sent an old man here to-day, one of his relations....
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
With what object? What is his idea?
CLISTHENES
....so that he may hear your speeches and inform him of your deliberations and intentions.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
But how would a man fail to be recognized amongst women?
CLISTHENES
Euripides singed and depilated him and disguised him as a woman.
MNESILOCHUS
This is pure invention! What man is fool enough to let himself be depilated? As for myself, I don't believe a word of it.
CLISTHENES
Nonsense! I should not have come here to tell you, if I did not know it on indisputable authority.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Great gods! what is it you tell us! Come, women, let us not lose a moment; let us search and rummage everywhere! Where can this man have hidden himself to escape our notice? Help us to look, Clisthenes;we shall thus owe you double thanks, dear friend.
CLISTHENES
Well then! let us see. To begin with you; who are you?
MNESILOCHUS (aside)
Wherever am I to stow myself?
CLISTHENES
Each and every one must pass the scrutiny.
MNESILOCHUS (aside)
Oh! great gods!
FIRST WOMAN
You ask me who I am? I am the wife of Cleonynus.
CLISTHENES (to the LEADER OF THE CHORUS)
Do you know this woman?
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Yes, yes, pass on to the rest.
CLISTHENES
And she who carries the child?
FIRST WOMAN
Surely; she's my nurse.
MNESILOCHUS (aside)
This is the end.
(He runs off.)
CLISTHENES
Hi! you there! where are you going? Stop. What are you running away for?
MNESILOCHUS (dancing on one leg)
I want to take a pee, you brazen thing.
CLISTHENES
Well, be quick about it; I shall wait for you here.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Wait for her and examine her closely; she's the only one we do not know.
CLISTHENES
That's a long leak you're taking.
MNESILOCHUS
God, yes; I am constricted; I ate some cress yesterday.
CLISTHENES
What are you chattering about cress? Come here! and be quick.
(He starts to pull MNESILOCHUS back.)
MNESILOCHUS
Oh! don't pull a poor sick woman about like that.
CLISTHENES (looking MNESILOCHUS square in the eye)Tell me, who is your husband?
MNESILOCHUS (embarrassed)
My husband? Do you know a certain individual at Cothocidae...?
CLISTHENES
Whom do you mean? Give his name.
MNESILOCHUS
He's an individual to whom the son of a certain individual one day...
CLISTHENES
You are drivelling! Let's see, have you ever been here before?
MNESILOCHUS
Why certainly, every year.
CLISTHENES
Who is your tent companion?
MNESILOCHUS
A certain.... Oh! my god!
CLISTHENES
That's not an answer!
FIRST WOMAN
Withdraw, all of you; I am going to examine her thoroughly about last year's mysteries. But move away, Clisthenes, for no man may hear what is going to be said. Now answer my questions! What was done first?
MNESILOCHUS
Let's see now. What was done first? Oh! we drank.
FIRST WOMAN
And then?
MNESILOCHUS
We drank to our healths.
FIRST WOMAN
You will have heard that from someone. And then?
MNESILOCHUS
Xenylla asked for a cup; there wasn't any thunder-mug.
FIRST WOMAN
You're talking nonsense. Here, Clisthenes, here This is the man you were telling us about.
CLISTHENES
What shall we do with him?
FIRST WOMAN
Take off his clothes, I can get nothing out of him.
MNESILOCHUS
What! are you going to strip a mother of nine children naked?
CLISTHENES
Come, undo your girdle, you shameless thing.
FIRST WOMAN
Ah! what a sturdy frame! but she has no breasts like we have.
MNESILOCHUS
That's because I'm barren. I never had any children.
FIRST WOMAN
Oh! indeed! just now you were the mother of nine.
CLISTHENES
Stand up straight. What do you keep pushing that thing down for?
FIRST WOMAN (peering from behind)
There's no mistaking it.
CLISTHENES (also peering from behind)
Where has it gone to now?
FIRST WOMAN
To the front.
CLISTHENES (from in front)
No.
FIRST WOMAN (from behind)
Ah! it's behind now.
CLISTHENES
Why, friend, it's just like the Isthmus; you keep pulling your stick backwards and forwards more often than the Corinthians do their ships FIRST WOMANAh! the wretch! this is why he insulted us and defended Euripides.
MNESILOCHUS
Aye, wretch indeed, what troubles have I not got into now!
FIRST WOMAN
What shall we do?
CLISTHENES
Watch him closely, so that he does not escape. As for me, I'll go to report the matter to the magistrates.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
