2018年02月23日 19:46 (星期五)，我终于又开启了写老长老长的信的模式，不过也的确是因为感慨颇多。
Dear Can，
How are you?
Do you feel the same way? Fate is wonderful， I don't know what fate will bring me， will make me happy? Will make me sad? or first let me sad and then give me a happy ending. I don't know what kind of person I will meet， how I will meet， what impression we will make. Because of too many uncertainties， so I stubbornly said that I don't believe in religion， I only believe my own efforts. But on the other side， I hope fate can arrange a nice and romantic gift for me， the gift can be a person who loves me so much， or something that let me like it very much. In this way I can live fully and contentedly， and gain pure and eternal happiness. I had a strong desire， but I still follow the prescribed order ， and I still have not got the courage to pursue the life I want. I have been passively waiting for someone to appreciate my inner thoughts. If I really meet the people who values me， I will feel that my existence is valuable and I will want to be much better.
Until I met you， maybe I should have made sure you were worth it. I mean， I knew from the beginning that you were someone to be cherished， but I was not sure I dared to take off my guard. I don't have the courage to show myself to you with enthusiasm ， I think you will not want to communicate with me， we can contact just for a short period of time， if I pay too attention to you， and you are not like to pay attention to me， that I will despair.
If you are willing to understand me， please forgive me， it is just a way to protect myself. Because you are so perfect. Before I write this letter， I look back at all the emails between us， so that I can understand my thoughts and tell you what I want. When I heard about your education background， I knew you were a very conscientious and wise person; When I hear about your hobbies， I know you are a very healthy and sunny person. When I heard about your family， I knew you are a very gentle and kind person. All in all， the information I have learned so far proves that you are a good person， so that I can feel distant from you and makes me feel that I don't deserve to be near you. When I heard that your views of love， a variety of cultural and artistic point ， I admired you more， and felt very pleased， I finally met a man with a lot of common grounds， that is really amazing.
When you ask me those two questions， I feel like you're a very deep person， and you're not like the average young person who focuses on flashy things. I think highly of the questions you asked me， and I have answered them carefully， even though I always feel that the answers were not ideal. I expected you to appreciate my answers in the letter， but it did not happened， you just expounded your answer ， except for our same respect for history and the hero， we seem to have nothing in common. It was frustrating for me， I was thinking， you must be disappointed in me， I felt guilty and miserable. So I abandoned all of these， I decided to calm myself and not take you as a very important person. Then when we cut off contact later ， I wouldn't be so disappointed.
But I was a little unwilling， because your words are always very rigorous， your attitude is always very polite， It also makes people think you're deliberately distancing yourself.， because you are not interested in each other and keep distance， so I show you my thoughts. I told you， I think our communication just separately expounds ourself， instead of enjoying each other's ideas， actually I was blaming you， why didn't your reply in a way making me feel valued.
In fact， I always think that friends do not need to be so many， as long as some bosom friends are good enough. So every time I loged in that website， and I didn't try to the initiate making more friends， I don't think I can't handle them neither. I can't put all effort to every friend， taht's not fair， It's not a real friendship. But I have to be polite. If someone leaves me a message or asks me to be my friend， I will not refuse， I will reply carefully， because I still appreciate their kindness for me. However， it is totally different with you， I replied to them by using a few minutes， and I need one or two hours to reply to you with a quiet environment to concentrate. I cherish the fate between us.
I told myself not to worry about your reply， because I was afraid I would be more disappointed. It turns out that you value my ideas so much. At that time， I told myself that you were just being nice. No matter what bad words to you， you also feel guilty and apologize， because you want to keep good relationship with all people， you don't want to hurt anyone because of you even if you didn't make any mistakes. I'm like the same. No matter what happens， my first reaction is to apologize， and I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone.
I can tell you， this period of time， I didn't respond to any penpals， the best I can do is log in website， because I really wasn't spare， I traveled outside every day， to receive or visit relatives， I didn't open my computer for a long time. As soon as I realized you care about me， I was really touched， I looked forward to every day to complete the task to reply you， share with you what I saw and heard. Even if you value me so much， I feel still a little insecure， I want to know， you are looking forward to my email every day， just because never feel to be ignored or because you value the commitment， or because it's from me? Because you might just feel guilty and need my forgiveness. Maybe it's just because you're too kind， you don't want to hurt people. And I only want you to do these things because of me， this is the only thing I care about. If you don't think of me as the only or other deeper relationship， I think we should stop contacting. Because now we are in a very awkward situation， I have revealed my heart， but I do not want to put pressure on you， it will become a disharmonious relationship.
You don't have to say sorry. I want too much， I have too much expectation for you.
I'm sorry I haven't see the movie you recommend to me， it's not because I don't want to watch， it is because I was too busy recently， whether it is physical or psychological， fortunately， your letter gave me great comfort and power. I'll finish watching that movie tonight. I'm a man of my word.
I am still not sure whether I express clearly or not. If there is any offense， please forgive me.
Bless you!
我的老天，我当初到底是写了啥蠢话。我肯定又是把自己给感动了。我这一副卑微的样子完全把底牌给暴露了。我现在看来真是想抽死那个愚蠢又自卑的自己，我又不是小孩子了，就这么缺爱了吗？就算是想男朋友，也别这么一副猴急的样子，真是不忍直视。毫无章法可言，绝对被拿得死死的。这绝对是为后来的悲剧埋下了厚厚的伏笔。
天啊，越写我现在就越想念Can怎么办，我都要忍不住再用其他邮箱给他发邮件了，到现在我也只有邮箱这一个方式有可能联系上他了，也许他连邮箱都弃用了，他会做得这么绝的。我想要的真的只是好好的把误会解开，然后各自安好而已，难道我真的执念太深了？
