Anonymous
Why and how I got myself into this situation is still unclear to me。A lady friend，a quite good looking lady friend，（okay，okay，so I do know why and how I got myself into this situation）asked me to check her two cats while she was out of town for several days。I said，“Sure。”I thought to myself，“How difficult could it be to check on her cats？”Before she left she told me that one of her cats was on medication for dry skin。Yes，dry skin。I thought to myself，“Give me a break！”However I kept my mouth shut because she is a good friend and as I said before，quite a good looking friend。Her one cat was required to take two pills a day and also needed to have Neosporin put on a sore on his skin。“No problem”，I foolishly replied。
First of all，I do not，never did，and probably never will understand women and their fascination with cats。Cats like their independence，they never listen to you and they won't come to you if you call them。They are lazy，enjoy sleeping all day and staying out all night。If they drank beer and watched sports on television then they would be just like most of the men that these women have dated in their lives。Yet they love their cats。Many single women I know have cats。They never seem to have just one cat，they usually have at least two cats。Why？So the cats will have company when the woman is away。I never did understand why a cat，an animal that is very independent，would need or even want company when its owner is away。I would think that most cats are probably happy when their owner is away。They finally have got the entire place to themselves。However many women I know insist on having a second cat to keep the first cat company。All of these women are single。I also know of one woman who owns seven cats。She is also single。I believe it is because she owns seven cats。
I arrived at my lady friend's house at 11 a。m。and found a note instructing me what to do。“Check food”。The food is A-OK。“Check Water”。Well，the water dish was a little low so I'll add some water。However the note instructed me to“Only give them bottled water which is in the refrigerator”！I thought to myself，“Bottled water？The cats only drink bottled water？”When I visit my lady friend and ask for water，she gives me tap water。I may have to re evaluate my friendship with this lady friend。I filled the cats'water dish with the aforementioned bottled water。I read the rest of the instructions she had left for me。The note went on saying，“Poopy bags are in the flowered green fabric holder hanging off the metal rack beside the litter box。”Yes，you read me right，she wrote“poopy bags。”I really have to re evaluate my friendship with this woman。
Now it is time to give Lucas，the male cat，his medicine。I was instructed to hide the pill inside some veggie cheese。Yes，the cat likes veggie cheese，made from soy。Apparently Lucas is a bottled water drinking，vegetarian cat。I did as instructed and put the pill inside the veggie cheese。The cat not only ate all of the veggie cheese，he also somehow managed to eat around the pill。All of the veggie cheese was gone yet the pill remained。I now must think of a“Plan B。”
I decided to hide the pill in a piece of turkey。What the heck？I could not have any worse luck，could I？Lucas ate the turkey and once again managed to eat around the pill。One thing was certain。Lucas is not a vegetarian。I next attempted to hide the pill in some tuna。Albacore，actually。Again，Lucas ate all of the tuna and left the pill。Another thing was certain。Lucas likes to eat。
I then remembered my lady friend saying that I could hide the pill inside a cat snack treat。Aha！The old hiding the pill in a cat snack treat routine。I proceeded to find the cat treats。There were“Grilled Yellowfin Tuna Flavored Treats”and“Shrimp and Crab Medley Flavored Treats”and“Oven Roasted Breast of Chicken Flavored Treats”and“Hearty Beef Flavored Treats”and“Salmon Flavored Treats。”These cats eat better than most people。I decided to first try the“Whiskas Temptations Salmon Flavored Treats。”Why？Because on the package it read，“What Cats Want”。That was good enough for me。Unfortunately it was not what this cat wanted。I put the pill in each of the treats and Lucas would not go near any of the them。One more thing was certain。Lucas was full。I now must wait until he gets hungry again。I had not thought that this would be an all day event。
While waiting for Lucas to get hungry again I thought I would make an attempt to put the Neosporin on his sore。This went better than expected。I accomplished this task in a mere 45 minutes and I successfully managed not to bleed on any of my friend's furniture as I ran to the bathroom to cleanse my multiple scratch wounds。Although Lucas may not hold a high regard for Neosporin，I have a new found appreciation for it。
Afterwards I noticed Lucas licking the Neosporin off of his sore。My first thought was，“Well，that was a complete waste of time and blood！”Then I got an idea。I'll put some Neosporin on his pill。He seems to like the taste of Neosporin。And you know what？It did not work either！So much for shouting with glee and becoming rich of my idea for a“Neosporin Flavored Cat Treat”。
I looked at my watch。It was almost 2 o'clock。This unsuccessful ordeal had taken almost 3 hours！And I am supposed to do this twice a day for the next four days。Yet one more thing was certain。I must come up with a“Plan C”。
Knowing that I had made a valid attempt made it easier to implement“Plan C”。Because of“Plan C”，day two，three，and four of my cat sitting adventure went smoothly。My lady friend arrived home late on day four，none the wiser，thanking me again and again for looking after her beloved cats。What was“Plan C”？Well，“Plan C”was a simple plan。I figured that since Lucas was required to take 2 pills a day for 4 days then that would equate to 8 pills。（Thank God for calculators！）I took 8 pills out of the bottle and threw them in the garbage。I used the Neosporin on my own wounds thus making it look like I used it on Lucas。I did not bother going over to her house to check on the cats at all on day 2 or 3.I went over just on day 4 to change the water and litter box in order to make it appear like I did everything she wanted me to do。You may be asking yourselves，“Doesn't he feel any sense of guilt for his deceitful ways？”The answer is，“No！”。Well，maybe someday I will，after my wounds heal and the scars fade away。I did not want to implement“Plan C”but I had no other choice。I could not afford to waste several hours of my valuable time along with losing a pint of blood each day。Not when there are“Friends”returns to watch on television。Besides，that will teach her to give me tap water！
究竟是为什么？我怎么样就卷到了这件事情里面，我无法说清楚。我的一位女性朋友，长相非常漂亮的女性朋友（算了，算了，这样说的话我的心里的确清楚我是为什么怎么样把自己卷入其中的）说她要出城几天，想请我在她离开的几天里帮她照看一下她所养的两只猫。“当然可以，”我心里想：“照看一下猫会有什么难的？”这位朋友走之前告诉我，她有一只猫因为皮肤干燥，正在吃药。哦，皮肤干燥，我想：“饶了我吧！”可是我却没有这么说，因为她是我的好朋友。而且，正像我刚刚说过的，是位漂亮的小姐。她还说每天要让这只猫吃两片药，还需要给猫涂上新斯波林消炎软膏。“没问题。”我居然荒唐地答应了。
从头开始说吧。我现在不会了解，过去更不用说了，很可能将来也永远想不明白女人的心思，也想不清楚女人为什么那么喜欢猫。猫喜欢独立，从来不会乖乖地听你诉说。如果你叫它，它不会马上跑过来。猫都很懒惰，喜欢白天睡长觉，晚上出去溜。如果猫边喝啤酒边看电视上的球赛，那时的样子跟这些养猫的女人们曾经约会过、爱过的大多数男人很相似。只是女人一直都爱自己的猫。我所认识的很多单身女士都养猫。并且她们养的猫好像从来不止一只，通常至少两只。原因？养两只的话即使主人不在，猫猫们也有伴儿。我以前总想不通为什么猫在主人离开的时候会需要或想要一个伴儿，因为猫是非常独立的动物。我会觉得主人不在的时候大多数猫很可能非常高兴，它们最终有了完完全全属于它们自己的空间。然而我知道的很多女人却坚持再养一只猫以便第一只猫有伴儿。所有这样的女人都是单身。我还听说有一个女士养了七只猫。这位女士也是单身。我相信她单身是因为她养了七只猫。
上午11点钟，我到达这位朋友的家，发现了一个留言条，告诉我怎么做。“检查一下给猫吃的食物”。食物列在了第一项——好吧。“检查一下给猫喝的水”。哦，喂猫喝水的碟子里面没有多少水了，那我会加一些的。可是留言条指示我“只能给猫喝冰箱里的瓶装水”！我想：“瓶装水？猫只喝瓶装水？”我来拜访这位朋友想要喝水的时候，她让我喝的是自来水。也许我要重新看待我和这位朋友之间的友谊了。我用如上所说的瓶装水加满了猫的水碟。她留给我的操作指南剩余部分我读完了。下面写着：“猫粪袋子放在绣着花的绿色布袋里，布袋挂在垃圾箱旁边的铁架子上。”是啊，你看透我的心思了，她写的是：“猫粪袋子。”我真的要重新衡量我和这个女人之间的友谊了。
现在该喂男猫卢卡斯吃药了。她指示我要把药片藏在蔬菜奶酪里。真的，这猫喜欢喝黄豆做成的蔬菜奶酪。很显然卢卡斯是一只喝瓶装水、吃素食的猫。我遵照指示，把药片放在蔬菜奶酪里。可这只猫仅仅吃完了所有的奶酪，却不知怎地把药片给撇开了。所有的奶酪都不见了，只留下了药片在那里。我必须设计“第二套方案”了。
我决定把药片藏在火鸡里。还能怎么样？我不会再有什么更坏的运气了，是吧？卢卡斯吃了火鸡，又把药片留下了。我可以确信一件事：卢卡斯不是素食主义者。然后我试着把药片藏在金枪鱼里。实际上是长鳍金枪鱼。那一幕再次上演了：卢卡斯吃光了所有的金枪鱼，剩下了药片。我可以确信另外一件事了：卢卡斯喜欢吃。
然后我想起来我的这位朋友说过我可以把药片藏在猫的零食里。哈哈！老一套的做法：把药片放在给猫吃的零食里。接着我找到了这些给猫吃的零食。有“铁扒黄鳍金枪鱼风味的点心”，有“虾蟹混合味的点心”，有“烤箱热煨鸡胸风味的点心”，有“强浓牛肉风味的点心”，还有“大马哈鱼风味的点心”。这些猫吃得比大多数人吃得都好。我决定先试试伟嘉牌“吃了忘不掉”鲑鱼风味的点心。理由？因为在包装袋上写着“猫的最爱”。这对我来说太好了。不幸的是，这只猫不吃这一套。我把药片放在每一种点心里，卢卡斯就是不向任何一种点心靠近。我又可以确信另外一件事：卢卡斯吃饱了。现在我必须等，等到他再次饥饿。之前我并没有想到这件事要花一整天的时间来做。
在等待卢卡斯下一次吃东西的时候，我想我可以试着把消炎软膏涂在他的伤处。事情进展得比预期的要顺利多了。短短的45分钟我就完成了这项任务，并且在我冲向洗手间，去清洗被猫抓破的多处伤口的时候，没把血滴到我朋友的家具上，我做到了，很成功。虽然卢卡斯可能不觉得这软膏怎么样，我却突然对它产生了感激之情。
随后，我猛然发现卢卡斯正在舔我给他涂上的软膏。我的第一个反应就是：“哇，浪费时间！害我白流那么多血！”过了一会儿，我想到办法了：在软膏里放上药片。因为卢卡斯像是喜欢软膏的味道。结果怎样？这个法子也不起作用！我的欢欣鼓舞，大喊大叫，我的奇思妙想，“软膏风味的猫点心”，到此为止吧。
我看了一下手表，快2点了。这失败的苦难历程已经花去我3个小时的时间！而我，按照当初的承诺，在以后的四天里，每天都要经历两次这样的煎熬。又有一点可以确定：我必须设计出“第三套方案”。
由于心里清楚我的努力会付之东流，实施“第三套方案”变得很容易。也正是由于“第三套方案”的实施，我第二天、第三天，包括第四天的猫保姆工作进展顺利。我的那位朋友在第四天很晚的时候回来了。她对我的方案毫不知情，还一个劲儿地感谢我替她照顾爱猫。什么是“第三套方案”？噢，“第三套方案”其实很简单。我算了一下，卢卡斯每天要吃两片药，连吃四天，那就是总共八片药。（感谢上帝！感谢你发明的计算器！）我从药瓶里拿出八片药，扔进了垃圾箱；把软膏涂到我自己的伤口上，以便看来是涂到了卢卡斯身上。在第二和第三天两整天里，我根本没有到她家去看猫猫们怎么样了。我只在第四天到了她家里，换了一下水和小箱子，以便使我的美女朋友确信我是完全按照她的要求做的。你可能会忍不住问自己：“你这样欺骗人，难道就不会良心不安吗？”答案是否定的。但是，在我的伤好了以后，在我身上的痂消失了以后，也许有一天我会感到良心不安。我本来不想用“第三套方案”的，可是我别无选择。每天花费我几个小时的宝贵时间，还要每天失去一品脱血，我承受不起，尤其是电视上又在播放《老友记》的时候。另外，我这样做，会给她一个教训，谁让她给我喝自来水的！
鹦鹉学舌
Whiskas（伟嘉猫粮）
伟嘉（Whiskas）猫粮是最早进入中国的国际猫粮品牌。1958年，伟嘉猫粮在英国诞生，它是世界猫粮及猫咪护理品牌的领导品牌。伟嘉猫粮为家喻户晓的知名品牌，多年来一直给予猫咪全心的关注与投入，从原料选择到颗粒形状，大小、质感和口味都一一为猫咪考虑周全，在确保最佳口感的同时，更注重营养的升级，包括牛柳营养夹心酥、三文鱼营养加薪酥、海鲜营养精选等。而且口味比较丰富，分幼猫、成猫，一直受猫猫喜爱。
莺声燕语
Background Knowledge
皇家猫粮
法国皇家猫粮成立于1967年，创始人Jean Cathary是一位乡村兽医。当他把目光投向宠物食品这个全新的领域，开始生产宠物干粮的时候，他比别人提早了整整四年。皇家猫粮功能型配置及处方型配置都很全面，种类繁多，是其他牌子没法比拟的。口味非常丰富，而且有处方粮，分幼猫、成猫，甚至还有专门为波斯猫生产的猫粮。广大猫友们比较推崇这个品牌，营养很丰富，适口性也不错。
牛角挂书
New Words
veggie n。蔬菜；素食者[口语]=vegetables=vegetarian[亦作vegie]
soy n。酱油；大豆
heck int。[口][hell的委婉语]见鬼
tuna n。金枪鱼
grill vt。烧，烤；烤问vi。烧，烤；严加盘问n。烤架，铁格子；烤肉
T
猴老师有话说
est Yourself
1.Multiple Choice Questions
1）However many women……having a second cat to keep the first cat company。
A。公司B。一群人C。陪同D。客人（们）
2）How difficult could it be to check on her cats？
A。检查B。察看C。照看D。核实
3）I proceeded to find the cat treats
A。款待B。乐趣；乐事
C。极出色的东西D。零食；点心
2.文中出现了hang off 这个短语，你知道hang loose；hang it；hang it easy 的意思分别是什么吗？
3.none the wiser还可以怎么说？其意是什么？能举例说明吗？
Keys：
1.1）C2）C3）D
2.hang loose：摇晃；保持镇定；放松 例句：Stay cool and hang loose。保持冷静，不要紧张。
hang it：作静脉注射；吊盐水hang it easy：慢慢来
3.这个短语可以是none the（或not much，no）wiser：仍不明白；仍然不懂
例句：They appeared none the wiser for your detailed account。尽管你说得很详细，看了他们仍不明白。
