Anonymous
本章内容导读
无条件的爱是我们能够给予的最珍贵的礼物。过去所做的一切被原谅是我们能够得到的最珍贵的礼物。
感觉到痛苦，寻求帮助，体验真爱，这些都是正常的，无需隐藏，敞开心扉去感受这一切吧。从自我保护的躯壳中解放出来，去呼吸生活的新鲜气息吧。
I was a rotten1 teenager.Not your average spoiled，know-it-all，not going to clean my room，getting an attitude because I'm a 15 teenager.No，I was a lying，acid tongued monster，who realized early on that I could make things go my way with just a few minor adjustments.The writers for today's hottest soap opera could not have created a worse character than me.
For the most part，and on the outside，I was a good kid，a giggly tomboy who liked playing sports and who was good at competition.
Since I was clever enough to get some people to bend my way，it amazed me how long it took to realize how I was hurting so many of my closest friends by trying to control them；I also managed to sabotage2，time and time again，the most precious relationship in my life：my relationship with my mother.
Even today，almost 10 years since the birth of the new I，my former behavior astonishes me each time I reach into my memories.Hurtful comments cut and stung3 the people I cared most about.Acts of confusion and anger that seemed to rule my every move—all to make sure things went my way.
My mother，who gave birth to me at age 38 against her doctor's wishes，would cry to me，'I have waited so long for you，please don't push me away.I want to help you！'
I would reply with my best face of stone，'I didn't ask for you！I never wanted you to care about me！Leave me alone and forget I ever lived！'
My mother began to believe I really meant it.My actions proved nothing less.
I was mean and manipulative4，trying to get my way at any cost.Like many young girls in high school，the boys whom I knew were off limits were always the first ones I had to date.Sneaking5 out of the house at all hours of the night just to prove I could do it.Juggling6 complex lies were always on the verge of blowing up in my face.
Ironically，I wish I could say I had been heavy into drugs during that period of my life，swallowing mind-altering pills and smoking things that changed my personality，thus accounting for the terrible，razor-sharp words that came flying from my mouth.However，that was not the case.My only addiction was hatred；my only high was inflicting7 pain.
But then I asked myself why.Why the need to hurt？And why the people I care about the most？Why the need for all the lies？Why the attacks on my mother？I would drive myself mad with the entire whys until one day.
Lying awake the following night at the hospital，after an unsuccessful，gutless8 attempt to jump from a vehicle moving at 80 miles per hour，one thing stood out more than my shoes with no shoe laces.I didn't want to die.
And I did not want to inflict any more pain on people to cover up what I was truly trying to hide myself：self-hatred.Self-hatred unleashed9 on everyone else.
I saw my mother's pained face for the first time in years—warm，tired brown eyes filled with nothing but thanks for her daughter's new lease on life and love for the child she waited 38 years to bear.
My first time encountered with unconditional love.What a powerful feeling！
