WHEN Mariana came out of her room that morning she noticed Nejdanov sitting on the couch fully dressed.His head was resting against one arm, while the other lay weak and helpless on his knee.She went up to him.
"Goodmorning, Alexai.Why, you haven't undressed? Haven't you slept? How pale you are!"His heavy eyelids rose slowly.
"No, I haven't."
"Aren't you well, or is it the after-effects of yesterday?
Nejdanov shook his head.
"I couldn't sleep after Solomin went into your room.""When?"
Last night."
"Alexai! are you jealous? A new idea! What a time to be jealous in! Why, he was only with me a quarter of an hour.We talked about his cousin, the priest, and discussed arrangements for our marriage.""I know that he was only with you a short time.I saw him come out.And I'm not jealous, oh no! But still I couldn't fall asleep after that.""But why?"
Nejdanov was silent.
"I kept thinking...thinking...thinking!""Of what?
"Oh, of you...of him...and of myself.""And what came of all your thinking?"
"Shall I tell you?"
Yes, tell me."
"It seemed to me that I stood in your way--in his...and in my own.""Mine? His? It's easy to see what you mean by that, though you declare you're not jealous, but your own?""Mariana, there are two men in me and one doesn't let the other live.So I thought it might be better if both ceased to live.""Please don't, Alexai.Why do you want to torment yourself and me? We ought to be considering ways and means of getting away.
They won't leave us in peace you know."
Nejdanov took her hand caressingly.
"Sit down beside me, Mariana, and let us talk things over like comrades while there is still time.Give me your hand.It would be a good thing for us to have an explanation, though they say that all explanations only lead to further muddle.But you are kind and intelligent and are sure to understand, even the things that I am unable to express.Come, sit down."Nejdanov's voice was soft, and a peculiarly affectionate tenderness shone in his eyes as he looked entreatingly at Mariana.
She sat down beside him readily and took his hand.
"Thanks, dearest.I won't keep you long.I thought out all the things I wanted to say to you last night.Don't think I was too much upset by yesterday's occurrence.I was no doubt extremely ridiculous and rather disgusting, but I know you didn't think anything bad of me--you know me.I am not telling the truth exactly when I say that I wasn't upset--I was horribly upset, not because I was brought home drunk, but because I was convinced of my utter inefficiency.Not because I could not drink like a real Russian-- but in everything! everything! Mariana, I must tell you that I no longer believe in the cause that united us and on the strength of which we ran away together.To tell the truth, I had already lost faith when your enthusiasm set me on fire again.Idon't believe in it! I can't believe in it!"He put his disengaged hand over his eyes and ceased for awhile.
Mariana did not utter a single word and sat looking downwards.
She felt that he had told her nothing new.
"I always thought," Nejdanov continued, taking his hand away from his eyes, but not looking at Mariana again, "that I believed in the cause itself, but had no faith in myself, in my own strength, my own capacities.I used to think that my abilities did not come up to my convictions...But you can't separate these things.
And what's the use of deceiving oneself? No-- I don't believe in the cause itself.And you, Mariana, do you believe in it?"Mariana sat up straight and raised her head.
"Yes, I do, Alexai.I believe in it with all the strength of my soul, and will devote my whole life to it, to the last breath!"Nejdanov turned towards her and looked at her enviously, with a tender light in his eyes.
"I knew you would answer like that.So you see there is nothing for us to do together; you have severed our tie with one blow."Mariana was silent.
"Take Solomin, for instance," Nejdanov began again, "though he does not believe--""What do you mean?"
"It's quite true.He does not believe...but that is not necessary for him; he is moving steadily onwards.A man walking along a road in a town does not question the existence of the town-- he just goes his way.That is Solomin.That is all that's needed.But I...I can't go ahead, don't want to turn back, and am sick of staying where I am.How dare I ask anyone to be my companion? You know the old proverb, 'With two people to carry the pole, the burden will be easier.' But if you let go your end-- what becomes of the other?"
"Alexai," Mariana began irresolutely, "I think you exaggerate.Do we not love each other?"Nejdanov gave a deep sigh.
