"It is a lot to me. I have to keep this house and pay the maids and everything, and I want to know how I stand. I am not going to make debts. That's hateful."Her face had a hardness that he did not know. He perceived dimly that she was different from the Gyp of this hour yesterday--the last time when, in possession of his senses, he had seen or spoken to her. The novelty of her revolt stirred him in strange ways, wounded his self-conceit, inspired a curious fear, and yet excited his senses. He came up to her, said softly:
"Money! Curse money! Kiss me!" With a certain amazement at the sheer distaste in her face, he heard her say:
"It's childish to curse money. I will spend all the income I have;but I will not spend more, and I will not ask Dad."He flung himself down in a chair.
"Ho! Ho! Virtue!"
"No--pride."
He said gloomily:
"So you don't believe in me. You don't believe I can earn as much as I want--more than you have--any time? You never have believed in me.""I think you earn now as much as you are ever likely to earn.""That is what you think! I don't want money--your money! I can live on nothing, any time. I have done it--often.""Hssh!"
He looked round and saw the maid in the doorway.
"Please, sir, the driver says can he have his fare, or do you want him again? Twelve shillings."Fiorsen stared at her a moment in the way that--as the maid often said--made you feel like a silly.
"No. Pay him."
The girl glanced at Gyp, answered: "Yes, sir," and went out.
Fiorsen laughed; he laughed, holding his sides. It was droll coming on the top of his assertion, too droll! And, looking up at her, he said:
"That was good, wasn't it, Gyp?"
But her face had not abated its gravity; and, knowing that she was even more easily tickled by the incongruous than himself, he felt again that catch of fear. Something was different. Yes; something was really different.
"Did I hurt you last night?"
She shrugged her shoulders and went to the window. He looked at her darkly, jumped up, and swung out past her into the garden.
And, almost at once, the sound of his violin, furiously played in the music-room, came across the lawn.
Gyp listened with a bitter smile. Money, too! But what did it matter? She could not get out of what she had done. She could never get out. Tonight he would kiss her; and she would pretend it was all right. And so it would go on and on! Well, it was her own fault. Taking twelve shillings from her purse, she put them aside on the bureau to give the maid. And suddenly she thought: 'Perhaps he'll get tired of me. If only he would get tired!' That was a long way the furthest she had yet gone.
VII
They who have known the doldrums--how the sails of the listless ship droop, and the hope of escape dies day by day--may understand something of the life Gyp began living now. On a ship, even doldrums come to an end. But a young woman of twenty-three, who has made a mistake in her marriage, and has only herself to blame, looks forward to no end, unless she be the new woman, which Gyp was not. Having settled that she would not admit failure, and clenched her teeth on the knowledge that she was going to have a child, she went on keeping things sealed up even from Winton. To Fiorsen, she managed to behave as usual, ****** material life easy and pleasant for him--playing for him, feeding him well, indulging his amorousness. It did not matter; she loved no one else. To count herself a martyr would be silly! Her malaise, successfully concealed, was deeper--of the spirit; the subtle utter discouragement of one who has done for herself, clipped her own wings.
As for Rosek, she treated him as if that little scene had never taken place. The idea of appealing to her husband in a difficulty was gone for ever since the night he came home drunk. And she did not dare to tell her father. He would--what would he not do? But she was always on her guard, knowing that Rosek would not forgive her for that dart of ridicule. His insinuations about Daphne Wing she put out of mind, as she never could have if she had loved Fiorsen. She set up for herself the idol of pride, and became its faithful worshipper. Only Winton, and perhaps Betty, could tell she was not happy. Fiorsen's debts and irresponsibility about money did not worry her much, for she paid everything in the house--rent, wages, food, and her own dress--and had so far made ends meet; and what he did outside the house she could not help.
So the summer wore on till concerts were over, and it was supposed to be impossible to stay in London. But she dreaded going away.
She wanted to be left quiet in her little house. It was this which made her tell Fiorsen her secret one night, after the theatre. He had begun to talk of a holiday, sitting on the edge of the settee, with a glass in his hand and a cigarette between his lips. His cheeks, white and hollow from too much London, went a curious dull red; he got up and stared at her. Gyp made an involuntary movement with her hands.
"You needn't look at me. It's true."
He put down glass and cigarette and began to tramp the room. And Gyp stood with a little smile, not even watching him. Suddenly he clasped his forehead and broke out:
"But I don't want it; I won't have it--spoiling my Gyp." Then quickly going up to her with a scared face: "I don't want it; I'm afraid of it. Don't have it."In Gyp's heart came the same feeling as when he had stood there drunk, against the wall--compassion, rather than contempt of his childishness. And taking his hand she said:
"All right, Gustav. It shan't bother you. When I begin to get ugly, I'll go away with Betty till it's over."He went down on his knees.
"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! My beautiful Gyp!"
