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第22章 Th e Lang uage o f Compromis e(4)

1. Those who have studied anger indicate that more anger is developed in marriagerelationships than in any other relationship. Unresolved anger is the principal cause of violence toward another person.

A. unsettled B. undetermined C. unrest D. unsaid

A. principle B. prime C. primitive D. private

2. Many of us hold misconceptions of anger and these misconceptions can lead people to cover up their anger in different ways.

A. mismanagement B. misunderstanding

C. belief D. understanding

3. peace at any price ( i. e. ,giving in rather than engaging conflict,withdrawal)

A. attack B. conflict C. give in D. argue

4. Couples who effectively manage their anger agree that it is necessary to express andacknowledge it. They agree never to attack in anger even though they share angryfeelings. They should agree with each other that they won??t yell at one anotherunless there is extreme danger. If a firm,non-yelling policy is developed,it willremove the need for a spouse to feel defensive or to develop any type of retaliatoryanger.

A. retailing B. returned C. retelling D. retained

5. R is the desire to restrain your anger and not let it get out of hand by blaming or belittling

A. looking down upon B. praising

C. appreciating D. respecting

( 3) Keys to a Successful Mar r iage /Relat ionship

Thoughts by John Gottman

I think it is very simple. The answer is not complicated at all. What I call“ the masters of marriage ”are individuals who are being kind to one another. They may raise difficult issues,but they also soften them in a very considerate way. They frequently express appreciation. They communicate respect and love every day in numerous small ways. There are so many more positive exchanges in these relationships,than those that are heading for divorce. These individuals show moreaffection for each other,and they communicate greater interest in one another,anduse more humor. They scan their environment,looking for opportunities to say“ thankyou”rather than searching for mistakes the other person has made. They look at theirpartner through a different filter. It is a much more positive one. That turns out tohave very powerful implications.

The other thing they are doing,is they are very mindful of people trying to reachout and connect with them ( i. e. ,what I call“ making bids”) . The couples in ourlaboratory that turn out to have long happy marriages are responding to 96% of theirpartnersbids for attention,by turning toward them with attention. That is a hugeamount. In contrast,couples headed for divorce are responding only 30% of the time.

Robinson and Price found the same thing when they studied positive interaction incouples. Unhappily married couples were not noticing 50% of the positive things theirpartner was doing. The observers could see the positive behavior ,but the spouseswere not seeing it. What this means is,that for a lot of unhappy couples you do nothave to change their behavior at all; you just have to get them to see what is actuallygoing on.

To make marriages work is really quite simple. Explained in my book,TheSeven Pr inciples for Making a Ma rr iage Work ( co-author Nan Silver,CrownPublishers,1999) .

In addition,Gottman has shown that the following components are also important

to successful long term relationships for couples.

They are gentle with each other.

They spend time in and enjoy conversation with each other.

They allow for influence by their partner.

They do keep score by remembering the good things their partner does for them.

Each partner knows themselves reasonably well.

Each partner honors the other??s dreams.

There is a positive sense of humor in the relationship.

There are shared goals and a sense of team work in the relationship.

There are good conflict resolution skills in the relationship. ( sometimes this

means doing something,and sometimes it means lettings things take care ofthemselves. )

There is a sense of continued romance in the relationship.

Contempt,for the partner,in all it??s forms,will more than anything else bringthe relationship down. It needs to be avoided or worked through.

1. I think it is very simple. The answer is not complicated at all.

A. complex B. complete C. easy D. comprehend

2. They may raise difficult issues,but they also soften them in a very considerateway. They frequently express apprecia tion. They communicate respect and loveevery day in numerous small ways.

A. apprehension B. depreciation C. application D. understanding

3. The couples in our laboratory that turn out to have long happy marriages areresponding to 96% of their partners??bids for attention,by turning toward themwith attention.

A. request B. bit C. bite D. declaration

4. In addition,Gottman has shown that the following components are also importantto successful long term relationships for couples.

A. parts B. compound C. combination D. complement

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